Sitting in The Uncomfortable Chair

Back in 2009, while working at Exeter Uni as a Seminar Tutor and Lecturer for the Early Years and Primary PGCE programs,  I started my EdD. It was the first time I had returned to any formal education since I left Uni and I was excited and terrified. During the first weeks we were immersed in paradigms and research pieces and introduced to our first module linked to life long learning.

While others seemed to be excited and some had even identified what they were going to research already, I was frozen in overwhelm. All I wanted to do was to quit and run away.

What on earth had I got myself into? Why had I agreed to this? What was I going to write about and how do I even start? I can’t do an EdD, I only got a 2:2 in my degree, I can’t do what they are asking and I am going to fail- again.

I realised, I was terrified of failing. I was terrified of not cutting it, of others seeing me as not so good academically, a charlatan who had managed, somehow, to be working in a University. It also dug up all the shame I had buried deep down after finishing University with what, I saw, as a pitiful 2:2. No one else had seen it like that. My parents were so proud of me, but I wasn’t proud, I was devastated and so ashamed I refused to go to graduation. I barely even acknowledged the certificate.

I had been on track to get a 2:1. I was happy with that. That would have been great. While others chose topics and themes directly linked to our course, I chose to write my final dissertation on an aspect of education where, at that time, there was very little research. That excited me. I could be a pioneer in this area and embraced the challenge. I loved it. I loved the research, the interviews, the analysis, everything and sure, I didn’t come up with any definitive findings but I did come up with some interesting insights and many, many questions. I submitted and waited. When I went to my supervision to find out the results I was hopeful and excited to get feedback. The feedback was positive- a lot of the content was great, innovative and had potential for further exploration, however, the writing was too wordy and needed a good editor and due to this it is a 2:2.

And now, here I was facing this ‘story’ and all the emotions it brought for me, and wanting to walk away.

I went to speak to the course leader and told them, my story, how overwhelmed I was feeling. At the end she said, “ Could this be an opportunity? Not to rewrite your experience, but to consider how you could use how you are feeling now to guide your thinking.” I agreed to give it some thought.

And I did, asking myself - Why was going back to learning so hard as an adult?

So much came up:

• I was going to have to let go of being the ‘knowledgeable other’, the ‘expert’.  My role was to teach others, to have the answers and to share the breadth and depth of my experience, and now I was going to have to sit in the space of not knowing- that felt unnerving.

• I was going to have to challenge myself, to step into my risk zone and that felt so scary. I was in a good place in my career, I knew what I was doing and did it well. Stepping into this new place was frightening.

• I was going to need to realise that I was going to need to ask for help and allow others to help me, to be vulnerable.

• I was going to have to face my past ‘shame’ and find a way to believe that I could do this, to  finally ‘bounce back’ , and I was going to have to face and process all the emotions that went with this.

• I identified that the emotional response to and  process of learning was something that I could get interested in.

  
  

As I mulled and reflected, an image came to mind. An image of beautiful chair. A snuggly, soft, welcoming chair that hugged you in it’s warm embrace when you sat in it. I recognised that, that’s where I was at this time in my life. I was sitting in that cosy chair, where I felt safe. I was good at what I did. I was comfortable.

I recognised that I was now being given an opportunity. This piece of research for this module, was an opportunity to go sit in a different chair and this chair was not comfortable. It was incredibly uncomfortable. It was hard and poked me and prodded me and was not snuggly. I would need to do some work to make it comfortable. I had some choices:

• Choose not to go near it and stay sat on the comfy chair

• Choose to just sit in it and be stuck and uncomfortable

• Choose to embrace the opportunity and jump around on the chair, exploring all it’s nooks and crannies, and over time, soften it up and make it comfortable.

I chose to jump around on that chair. It was hard work, and an emotional process,  but it brought me, insight, connection, and joy- an opportunity for growth and so much new learning about myself and others. My assignment was titled: Jumping on the Uncomfortable Chair- a teacher’s experience of returning to Formal Education. I loved the work and amazed myself from gaining a distinction.

Sitting in the comfortable chair is OK, and we can choose to sit in it forever, it’s safe. But it is static and it can create ‘stuckness’.

Choosing to sit in  the uncomfortable chair keeps us stuck too. Choosing to lean into our courage, to embrace the challenge, to step into the unknown, to be vulnerable is brave. Choosing  to jump about on the chair and discover what learning is there, enables self-development and offers the opportunity to surprise ourselves. Are you brave enough?