Choice

“We always have choice… even if we don't like what those choices represent to us” 

This is a statement I have found myself returning to at the most challenging times in my life and one I use as a powerful tool in my coaching practice.

There are times that none of us like to admit we have choice. Because admitting it means something has to change. It means we may have to ruthlessly prioritise or give something up that we've become comfortable with; something we cannot imagine life without. The more we have at stake, the harder it becomes to see that alternatives exist.

I first said this out loud when I'd been offered a university place and my dad asked: "Do you want to go?" "No, I don't," I replied instantly. I knew in that moment that I had choice and would be supported either way. I had, up to that point however, let other voices speak more loudly: friends, parents of friends, teachers, the so-called ‘wise village elder voices’ in the village pub! Self-doubt crept in. I momentarily allowed myself to be drawn in by the possibility that I wouldn't succeed without a degree; in spite of knowing I wasn't ready, that I wanted work experience, and to find a subject I genuinely wanted to invest years in studying.

Years later, with an MSc in Professional Development and having never taken a BA, BEd or B degree of any kind, I continue to share this statement as an invitation to reflect. It accompanies another belief passed to me by my dad: There is always a way. Even when the way is unclear. It exists.

I have experienced situations where something in me refused to align to my own wellbeing, relationships, roles, organisations, and lifestyle. A visceral response. A question that repeated in different forms. 

At first, curiosity and enquiry feel healthy. But sitting too long trying to work something out; convincing yourself that you're too young, too inexperienced, too [insert reason here] becomes something else. 

The questioning occupies an unhealthy space: overthinking, anxiety, overwhelm. In the worst cases, paralysis.

My body would give me cues. Recurrent sore throats, neck pain, exhaustion. Always connected to not feeling able to find my voice; to being asked to put things into action I fundamentally didn't agree with; to investing disproportionate energy trying to reconcile someone else's thinking with my own. These symptoms would ramp up until I was finally realised what was happening and was prepared to face the situation that was terrifying me.

My learning is that once I accept that something isn't working which can take seconds, hours, weeks, or sometimes years I ask myself questions.

What do I want more: stability or possibility? Comfort or freedom? What do I want to believe is possible and what difference would that make? What has become comfortable? Is comfort actually serving me?

What does freedom look like? What am I seeking permission for?

Possibility is my core value. I grew up around others with a mindset that anything is possible and one which I have used to create and transform many things in my personal and professional life. It is always the most confronting situations however that demand me to realise: there is choice, even where my thinking convinces me there is none.

Being vulnerable, honest, and curious takes courage. For me, it often involves asking for help, sharing my thinking with someone I trust.

When I have finally been willing to consider, that I do in fact have options, and therefore choice, I have made decisions that changed the course of my life. Always for the better, even when the initial stage was painful.

Establishing personal boundaries. Divorce. Resigning from a career. Selling a house. And the quieter, everyday choices: what I put into my body, how I move, how I earn and spend money, who I choose to have in my life and how I spend my time.

Where in your life are you telling yourself you have no choice  and what might open up if you allowed yourself to consider that you do?

At Synergems we work on the basis that we always have choice, and we'd love to hear what this brings up for you. Drop a comment below or contact us direct for a conversation.